This, in some ways, is a window to my soul: my book is open. This is an honest reflection where I embrace the highs and lows, ups and downs, roller coaster of emotions I am often riding, the good, the bad, and the extremely ugly...but this is me, and this is my adventure...By revealing myself honestly I hope to inspire and encourage, because we all struggle sometimes and it's nice to know we're not alone. This is my experience as a small town girl living in a big city, trying to make my way while taking lots and lots of detours...
August 24, 2010
August 20, 2010
The first thing I did was walk in, make eye contact with a woman, prepare to speak, and then ("swallow noise") nothing came out of my mouth! This wasn't going to be that simple, which was surprising. Well, I walked around the store, and was bombarded by the store employees many times as they probably thought my lurking was a little too strange and I was likely gearing up to steal something...
Finally I worked up some courage, started making eye contact and began to greet my fellow Americans. It was a little strange, like I said, very out of context, but everyone was pleasant and seemed pleased by my friendliness. Some people got away quickly and I can imagine that they were wondering if they knew me, so I thought that was funny. Overall it was a positive experience, and I left the store feeling a lot happier than I did walking in, which is saying a lot because I was really in a grumpy mood.
I think the lesson learned overall, is just to remember to live, smile, and say hello to people. It is a nice thing to do for yourself and for others. It also helps you to be present and in the moment, and remember not to take yourself too seriously, because life is short and we should live it fully and happily.
August 19, 2010
August 18, 2010
One of the major steps one must take in order to achieve this in life is to abandon our FEAR. Here are some examples of what this means for me:
1. I have always harbored a fear of REJECTION. I fear rejection because I know how it will make me feel - like crying, like I am no good, there is no hope for me, might as well not try. So I fear these "events" before they even take place, and end up avoiding the fiasco altogether. Right from the get-go I make excuses for why I CAN'T. Well, obviously this is no good. Rejection, afterall, is not necessarily a bad thing. We can learn and grow - often need to learn and grow - from these experiences. Good things are often worth the wait, and if you are feeling discouraged or having a hard time getting somewhere, the ability to believe in yourself, I mean really believe in yourself, and continue to push yourself will often find you somewhere you never dreamt possible before. This is because you become mentally stronger-able to handle a few punches at this point and brush 'em off; you've also become more knowledgeable about yourself, your capabilities, expectations, standards, etc. Perhaps you'll even put a few more notches under your belt so you become even more qualified to achieve your goals and realize your desires than ever before; then, when something good comes along, you can be absolutely sure about it and put every ounce of effort into it. If we succumb to our fear, we will achieve nothing, and be nobody. Sometimes the things that seem so scary and hard, are the most worthwhile and fulfilling.
2. Fear of FAILURE: Recently I noticed that when a new opportunity, idea, or anything like this comes up, I automatically start thinking of all the ways I will fail. Of course, this is discouraging! How am I supposed to accomplish anything if all I can see is failure, defeat, failure, disappointment??? Uchhhh! Who lives like this!?! Well I have a feeling many people do. As soon as I realized this pattern in my life, I told myself to stop with the negative affirmations already, and instead, when something comes up, to start visualizing all the ways I can succeed. "How can I succeed?" Not, "how can I fail?"
What are you afraid of?
To become creatively fearless and totally self-expressed, I would have to do away with envy and jealousy in every way. I don't even like those words, but sometimes feel that they rule my life! What a way to live huh!? No way, not for me. From now on, I vow to be fearless and to find ways to indulge in creativity everyday, which means that I allow time for selfishness - time for myself, (it's okay!) because myself matters!! I vow to dig deep into who I am, and to live as I am. I will live presently and in the moment of everyday, every hour, every minute, and lead a fulfilling life. Out of love, I suggest you do the same : )
"And the day came, when the risk, to remain tight as a bud,
was more painful, than the risk it took to blossom."
August 11, 2010
I googled business-professional and realized that i needed a business suit! Ewwwww, haha. I couldn't even imagine myself in one, but I felt determined. Also, in preparation for the interview I researched "typical" interview questions online and practiced them over and over again in my head as well as writing all my thoughts down on paper. I thought about all my relevant work experiences and talked to my parents about the marketing industry. I was doing my homework...
One day prior to the interview my mom and I went on a shopping excursion in Thousand Oaks and searched high and low for an outfit that I didn't feel like a total impostor in! This wasn't easy let me tell you...I felt like it was Halloween and I was dressing up as a Successful Business Woman. Eeeeeeeek! It proved difficult at first, but then I started finding some very cute options that made me feel professional, but still like myself. It was strange shopping for a "new genre" of clothing but after a while it became an exciting venture. I also got a makeover at Bobby Brown and made some smart makeup purchases. I got everything I needed for my best possible presentation at the interview, and I felt ready to impress.
Well, unfortunately I never ended up at the interview. After my exhausting day of "preparation" I went online to do some last minute research and couldn't believe what I found. Apparently there are organizations that pray on recent college grads eager to find work. I found review, after review, after review, about how this organization, which is affiliated with Cydcor, is basically a "cultish" organization and a scam. It's tricky though, because it is a real organization, but it's structured as an organizational pyramid; basically there are a few people at the top who make big money because they are getting a piece of what everyone else is making below them, and those at the bottom are pretty much slaves. I read about how people work 12 hour days and are brainwashed and forced to make work their number 1 priority in life. Many people said they were paid less than minimum wage and had to wait weeks until receiving their first paycheck. Additionally, on the company's website they stress "face-to-face" interaction, which is great, except that this actually means door to door sales. Ugh.
The organization is not technically a scam because it is real, and people can make a lot of money, but it is not the kind of organization I would want to be apart of. Did I mention that I didn't even apply for the job!? They reached out to me. If an organization is really as wonderful as they claim to be, they would be receiving tons of applications and "reaching out" on careerbuilder.com wouldn't be necessary. Really confusing stuff actually, but in the days since I've received a couple of emails from employers who have looked over my resume and qualify me as a "desirable candidate." Well right away I researched the organizations and "SCAM SCAM SCAM" is all I see. It's incredible! As if it's not miserable enough trying to find a job.
I know I have to stay positive and not be discouraged by fraudulent organizations, but be careful out there. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is!
August 10, 2010
Link to Youtube video
August 6, 2010
|My sister and I (and Maddy's cheek), downtown Ventura|
August 5, 2010
|Just a few journals I've filled up in the last couple years!|
August 4, 2010
Today Prop 8 was overturned and I am so grateful. Peace, love, and equality for all. Some of my very best friends are among the LGBTQ community (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning Youth), and now I may be able to attend their weddings someday. My dear friends are some of the most remarkable, compassionate, down-to-earth, real people I know, and I would be a different person if not for their irreplaceable presence in my life.